Real Recovery from Bulimia & Binge Eating

I've changed my email address to michellehopeblog@yahoo.com. Of course, it doesn't matter because, unfortunately, I very rarely answer emails anymore. I'm sorry!

Casting call for TLC show on "picky eaters" who want to get help

Happy Holidays, all.

I got an email from a casting agent looking for adults with unusual eating habits or food addictions. Please see the show description below and contact Rebecca directly if you're interested in learning more.

Hey - you never know, right?

Thanks!

TLC / Picky Eaters:

Are you addicted to one specific food? Do you over eat? Do your friends and family think your eating habits aren’t “normal”?? If so, you may be just what we are looking for!

The audition process is private and simple. I can assure you that the purpose of this show is not to expose or embarrass anyone, but rather to serve as a tool for participants and viewers. We have a team of qualified experts who use a number of techniques to help the person overcome their emotional and physical problems to develop a healthier diet.

For more information or to recommend a particular person, please contact Rebecca @ 323.904.4680 ASAP or send an email to pickyeaterscasting@gmail.com with your name, number, and email.

Played with the site today for the first time in a very long time. I forget how to do anything! I sort of figured out how to control the ads that show up, so no more weight loss ads. Phew.

"50 Best Blogs for Beating Food Addiction"

I got an email that my blog was featured in an article called "50 Best Blogs for Beating Food Addiction." It's at “Medicalcodingcertification.com.” I don't know anything about the site, but I like the article! Check it out here, and let us know about any other sites you would recommend!

Success story from long-time reader and dear friend!

Although I don't post much anymore, I do read, suffer over, and treasure each and every email I get from readers. Today I received a note from a reader and friend whom I've known for many years because of this blog. She first wrote to me in 2005. She was determined to recover, but she was as doubtful and frightened as anyone who reads this today. In one 2005 email, she wrote:

"I feel soo alone michelle and soo ugly and soo fat and soo dumb, I have absolutely no self esteem left and I dont know what to do. Everyday seems harder and harder to go on... I have everything to be happy about: a new house that my parents bought for me, a dream job, a nice family but somehow I cant get out of this stupid food addiction and I feel soo dumb and soo desperate, everyday I tell myself that things are going to be better but they are not."

Does that sound familiar? I can't express to you just how so many of the emails I get sound exactly the same. Women and men from all over the world, even places so exotic and remote to me, write the same words to me, over and over and over.

In the past year, she has continued to write to me with increasingly hopeful and optimistic words. She even quoted from some of the books I recommend on the blog. She actually reads them! Today, she asked me to post the below note. I'm so incredibly happy for her. She did the work, she did the time, and now she deserves the pride, confidence, and boldness she has earned for having achieved so much!

What I would like to know from her, is what is she going to do now?? What will she focus on? What does she want to achieve and receive and create for herself in her life now? Bulimics are all, by nature (believe it or not), energetic and passionate and focused, once we have something personally meaningful to focus on. This woman is going to be very successful in whatever she finds important to her heart. I hope she will continue to share her exploits, successes and failures (hell, if we aren't failing on occasion, we're probably bored or depressed!!).

"Hello there readers of Michelle's wonderful blog. I wanted to write to you today to tell you a bit of my story and most importantly to bring a message of hope to you: Recovery is possible, recovery is achievable, we just each have to go through our own journey.

 

I was bulimic for 9 long years of my life and I was miserable. I had days when I did not even want to get out of bed because I thought life was not worth living. On those days I wish someone had told me that even though there are bad days, there is hope and that recovery is a process, if you hang on and keep believing you will eventually get there.

 

If you would like to contact me, you can obtain my e-mail from Michelle"

 

with respect,

Me"

 

I'm proud of you, my friend! You kicked some serious bulimia ass!

 

With all my love, pride, and excitement for the next phase of your life!

Michelle Hope

Good quote on Fear

Too many of us are not living our dreams because we are living our fears.

~Les Brown

Great quote on CREATING happiness and the life you want.

If you observe a really happy man you will find him building a boat, writing a symphony, educating his son, growing double dahlias in his garden. He will not be searching for happiness as if it were a collar button that has rolled under the radiator.

W. Beran Wolfe

Talked with my step-mother for an hour today

I got another email from my cousin about what happened when my dad died 2 years ago and no one told me. She said that Sandy, my step-mother, had asked my closest cousin to please tell me. He said he would. But, he didn't. Once I found that out, I had to talk with Sandy immediately. I couldn't bear to think that she thought I had been told about my dad's death and yet I never called her.

I was petrified, but I called her anyway.

We ended up talking for an hour, mostly about the last year of my dad's life. Sandy thinks he knew he was really sick and dying long before she did. He took her on the most amazing 4 month cruise around the world. He was quite sick on the cruise, but he managed to make it incredibly special and memorable for Sandy. He planned a surprise birthday dinner for her with the ship's captain and higher crew in one of the ship's exotic ports of call. Sandy said he was the most loving and attentive and generous as he had ever been. I was really happy to hear they had created those special memories.

My favorite thing I learned today was that when my dad started getting sick, Sandy gave him the best gift I could ever think of getting him: a puppy. Dad & Sandy had always had dogs, but Sandy said that he had never had a puppy. The problem is that puppies are an incredibly amount of work. But, that was all part of her gift. SHE walked & fed the puppy. SHE got up every two hours during the night to house-train the puppy. But, she let the puppy sleep between them at night. And, I know that brought an incredible amount of comfort and love to my dad. It was the perfect gift. And, now Sandy has a constant, loyal and most loving companion. I'm happy about that, too.

I apologized to Sandy for all our family crap. She had walked into a wasp's nest of craziness in 1974 or so, and she stuck through it all. And, I don't think I said it to her because my phone battery ended up dying before I was ready, but I really want to say how thankful I am to her for sticking with my dad and taking such good care of him and loving him for decades, even though we all knew that he was not the easiest man to love or live with. I'm going to write her a note of thanks.

I'm happy that I reconnected with her after all these years. I grew up with Sandy as my mom #2, and even though we clearly didn't always agree, I know that she will always love me, and I hope she knows that I will always love her. She put so much energy and time and money into entertaining and educating us while we were young. She's one reason (of a thousand) why I don't have my own children. She exemplified how I think children SHOULD be raised, but I know I don't have the creativity, energy, or motivation to do even half of the things she did for us. She was a good mom.

And, my dad was a good man. He did the very best he could.

I'm officially the only one left in my family.

I just accidentally found out that my dad is dead. He died 2 years ago. No one called to tell me.

My father and I have not seen each other since I moved to CA in 2003. We spoke when my sister died in 2004, but we pretty much mutually agreed to not continue being part of each other's lives at that point. It was in our mutual interest.

However, I always figured that some day I would get a call from a relative saying that my dad was sick, and I had better come see him and make peace before he died. I've tried to envision what I would do at that point. What I would say to him. What I might expect.

But, it's time to stop thinking about all those possibilities because that call never came. He's long dead and buried. The opportunity to make those choices is gone.

So strange. I'm not sure how I feel yet. I literally found out about 5 minutes ago. I haven't even told Todd yet. I don't know why, after so long, my first desire was to write this all down in my blog. My old blog. My old community.

I was researching my grandmother online. Embarrassingly, I forgot her name. That was really bothering me. I don't have anyone to ask - I'm the last one alive in her immediate family. I MUST at least remember her name. I still don't know her name. But, I know my dad is dead. Weird.

Happy New Year, 2010, everyone!

Hi my old, dear friends. I wanted to wish you all happy holidays and a very happy New Year!

It's been a while! But, all is good here. I am still healthy, still with Todd, still in the same house in LA. There are some exciting new things in my life. One thing is that Todd & I are starting a big house construction project. Most of it is over-due maintenance, but some of it will be fun remodelling. It will probably take a year or more to get it all done, but if we keep plugging away at it, we'll eventually have a really nice home!

Also, last year at this time, I decided I needed something new to learn and be excited about. SO, I started riding a motorcycle! Todd thought I was nuts & pretty stupid, but a few months after I started riding, he started as well.

Below is a pic of me riding in Malibu.

It has been an INCREDIBLE benefit to my life. It gives me joy, it challenges me, it gives me something to focus on and learn about and grow into every day, it makes me proud of myself, it helps me shake off a tough day (I realize now just how much I previously let my stressful job impact my life. Never again!), it makes me feel young and vital!

I'll share more about that later.

Even though I haven't written, I have continued to read & cherish every email I have gotten from you. I usually don't have anything to say, though. I admit that my years with bulimia seem just so far away now, and the only advice I really have is go read the whole blog (and comments) and start reading the books I've suggested. I, too, need to go back & read my whole blog again from the start to remember it all.

I am working on getting new bracelets. I got an email from a woman who wanted to buy another one since her original bracelet had "worn out." She said she had worn it through 4 hospital stays. I wish I had one to send her today. Don't hold your breath, but I did start working on this today.

and, it's always this time of year when I get my most melancholy and thoughtful, and I honestly just really want to know how all my old community friends are doing. I wish I could get an update from each and every one.

 

New book by fellow graduate of my coach's program!

Bridget is a friend and a fellow graduate of Matt Beucler's coaching program. She not only recovered, but she's gone on to create an amazing new life for herself: a new book, a new business, a new life (and new boyfriend, by the way! Congratulations, Bridget!).

This is the link to her book: Fed Up Girl. I haven't read it yet - maybe she'll send me a freebie ;-) !

New blog written by the sister of a bulimic . . .

I am very pleased to introduce you all to a new blog that I hope will be very enlightening for us and a place of support and sharing for our families: My Sister Has Bulimia.

The author, a woman I am looking forward to getting to know much better, writes:

Part of the reason I started this blog was to just get my emotions out. I think it can pretty easy to throw them back aggressively and hurtfully when you're being pelleted with them. That's what I used to do earlier on with my sister's e.d, and obviously it got us no where. I really just want to provide a "place" where family members (especially siblings) can go and discuss, empathize, provide support for each other and know that they're not alone. I want the readers to know that the feelings of frustration, helplessness and confusion are valid but that it doesn't have to be a negative experience or process. In fact, in my experience, it's taught me about myself, and I've become increasingly aware of my actions, my words and my general philosophy of life.

I'm actually really looking forward to reading her perspective. I hope she writes a lot!

How to "get through day 1" of recovery

I get SOO many emails asking me how to just.get.through the first day in recovery. Bulimia is a symptom - arguably the most obvious and most distressing symptom, but it's still just a symptom of what I believe is at the root of it all: negative, fearful, all-or-nothing, and judgmental thinking, interpretation of the world around you, and your choice of reaction.

Trying to control the symptom won't cure you of your problem.

Recovery is about learning how to THINK and SEE THE WORLD in a hopeful, optimistic, and creative way where you can easily identify many alternatives for interpretation and response. You have to learn how to do this, and then you have to be hyper-aware of your thoughts and work with them 24/7.

Recovery is NOT about not binging or purging. So, on your first day you might do it 3 times! Recovery is working on your thinking, and as you get good at that, the bulimia (along with MANY or ALL of your other symptoms) will begin to just fade away. You shouldn't even THINK about not binging/purging, because I promise you that will cause you to run screaming to the kitchen every time. And, you know this.

On your first day (and every day) of "recovery," this is what you need to focus on accomplishing:

1. Being hyper aware of when you are thinking or interpreting in a negative, fearful or judgmental way (or when your thoughts get manic because you can't decide what to think, how to interpret, or how to react). You may even do this persistently . . . I sure did.
2. Gently say to yourself something like this, "AHH, this is why bulimia is so appealing to me - it stops these awful maddening thoughts at least for a little while. I have to learn how to think in a positive, optimistic, hopeful way, and I won't ever even have the urge to turn to food for comfort. I won't need comforting."
3. Understand that you have 4 main points where you can turn this thing around before bulimia becomes your immediate requirement:
   • Choosing a positive, optimistic interpretation of what's going on or what's being said,
   • Identifying what you want & what is best for you in the situation,
   • Identifying your MANY options for response (or non-response, which is sometimes the very best option),
   • Responding in a way that will make you feel good about yourself later.

4. Slowly, gently separate yourself from your thoughts and think about your first automatic reaction. Are you just automatically assuming the very worst? Are you worrying about what others will think instead of what's best for your wellbeing? Are you stuck in all or nothing world where there is only one option? Are you arguing with yourself about what to do? Are you just assuming that you're going to make a mess of things? Are you too scared to deal with the situation?
5. Work on your thinking:
   • Think about at least 2 more positive or optimistic ways to interpret the situation (this is the most important skill),
   • Identify & visualize getting a good resolution for yourself out of the situation,
   • Identify at least 2 positive or optimistic alternatives for response,
   • Chose and follow through on a response that is in line with your core values so you can feel good about yourself later.
   
   

   **Actually, another important addition to this list is to practice GRATITUDE. I recommend you forcibly take a moment in the middle of any mental chaos to just say thank you for something. Pick one blessing (even if it is just the simple but most important blessing of your health) and just say thanks to the universe. Really feel how lucky you are - for just a moment. And, then get back to the situation at hand.**

If you can spend your "day 1" even just doing steps 1 & 2 above (and practicing gratitude!) consistently in a hyper aware & conscious way, that's a GREAT first day! Maybe the next day you can work through all the steps, particularly thinking about at least 2 more positive or optimistic ways to interpret every situation.

You won't stop the purging until you can stop yourself from allowing your thoughts to turn into ugly negative chaos. The problem is in your head. You fix your thoughts, and the bulimia will slowly fade away.

I got a wonderful note from a very good old friend of this blog. She said I could share her words with you. She wrote:

Good Morning Michelle,
Happy new year to you! I wanted to say hi and to tell you your approach  has really changed my life... after reading your guide and As A Man Thinketh, I realized how much our thoughts control our lives... Now, every morning I get rid of my guilt and my fear and think positively all day long and this has literally changed my life... I am soo happy now.. Thank you so much for being there for so many of us, your work is truly admirable. Needless to say, my MIA symptoms have decreased dramatically but I do know I still have some work to do.
 
Feel free to post my message in the blog if  you think it will give other people hope.

As A Man Thinketh is available as a free download from the blog on the right hand panel. GET IT! READ IT!

Happy New Year, everyone!

Yay, we're through December! Phew. I've never been a big fan of this time of year (except of course for the time off work), so I admit that I'm very happy to be done with it once again. I hope you were able to enjoy it more!

Great quote

Life isn't about finding yourself.

Life is about creating yourself.

George Bernard Shaw

 

You have to figure out what kind of person you really, in your heart, want to be. Then, you have to find ways to practice being that person every day. As you practice, you become.

Since I realized that I was going off the track of who I want to be, I've been practicing and holding myself accountable to practicing the traits I most admire. And, I'm back on track! I'm calmer, I'm more at peace, I'm more trustful and kind to myself and everyone else. I just like myself and my life a hell of a lot more.

I'm trying to find some time to get you updated! It's hard: Todd is away on a surf trip, so I've had to juggle everything on my own. But, let this be a brief summary: I recommitted, and it's working.

My Traits List: Exercise #1 for Changing Your Life

I'm down in La Jolla for Todd's nephew's birthday. He's out surfing; I'm taking a quiet moment to write this before the kids come down and jump on me.

I wanted to publish my first attempt at a trait's list in a couple of years. My first one is published at this post: Exercise#1: Identify your Core Values.;I called it the Core Values list back then. It's really just a list of all the traits, habits, characteristics, etc. that you most admire in people. It's a free form kind of a thing: just start writing. It's not going to be exhaustive - you can come back and add things if you remember something later that's important to you, and yet it will never be able to include EVERYTHING that you find important in life. It's the most meaningful things to you at the particular time you work up the list. For example, I didn't include HUMILITY in my first list. But, it's #3 on this new list. Usually, for me at least, the list includes things I DON'T see in myself. I focus on the things that I WANT, but don't currently have. To be really fair to ourselves, we should be doing the other exercises that I've posted in that blog Category: **Exercises for Recovery**since other exercises ensure that we become aware of and celebrate the wonderful traits we already have.

Check that old post for better instructions.

The next step, that you can begin working on now, is taking that list and putting SPIRITUALLY POSITIVE action items around them. The goal, as I first discussed here: Exercise #2: Your Daily Checklist, is to hold yourself accountable for practicing the characteristics you most admire. In time, you begin to embody the characteristics, and you become the whole person you most want to be and admire. One very important key is to spin the action items so they are positive. This can be hard since, at least for me as you'll soon see, my list is focused on avoiding the negative - since that's what is bothering me right now. The empowering and spiritually strengthening approach is to be embracing and reaching for the good, positive, optimistic choices. A more disempowering approach is to be focusing on avoiding and stopping the negative choices you tend to make.

If you're focused on avoiding the negative, your awareness and subconscious;are always on the look-out for the negative, and soon you'll be overwhelmed with all the negative you see everywhere.

If you're focused on finding, embracing, and creating the positive, your awareness and subconscious are always on the look-out for the positive, and soon you'll be bathing in the positive. The negative stuff gets shut out.

For example, one of my original action items (before Alyson gently corrected me) was to identify one time per day when I was feeling judgmental of people. Then, I had to let it go and allow them to be as they are.

But, that forces my subconscious to look for and focus on people who might not be exhibiting the traits that I admire in other people. I'm encouraging my mind to target all the poor choices that people make every day, just so that I can "allow" them. Soon, I'll be surrounded by people making poor choices!

After a pretty long discussion with Alyson, we came up with a much more spiritually positive action item to take care of judgment and a few other items on our lists:

*Everyday, find, appreciate, and send thanks and love to one stranger who does something nice for someone else and/or the community.*

Now, my awareness is focused on looking for the beautiful things people do for each other every day. I'm actively looking for it, so I know I'm going to find it. Soon, my subconscious will be trained to focus just on the good stuff. The bad stuff fades into the background - it becomes noise. If a poor choice someone else makes is thrust into my conscious (for example if someone cuts me off on the road), I will work to make the right choice of allowing them to do what they do with no judgment from me. But, I won't create a daily action item for that. Daily action items should be only positive and optimistic.

This is WHY it is said that what you focus on will manifest in your life. If you focus on joy, you will have more. If you focus on why you feel like a victim, you will find yourself being a victim more often. It's not that you're REALLY creating more joy or victimization, it's that you're actively looking for it and what you seek, so shall you find. What you're not seeking just fades into the background as noise that doesn't get your attention.

I'm leaving my list as is, even though it's full of the desire to avoid the negative and not necessarily embrace the positive. It's a demonstration of what I'm struggling with right now. But, the Daily Checklist of action items, the next step, HAS to be positive since that is what we'll be focusing on every day. I'll be posting the Daily Checklist in a week or so. SO, you've got time to come up with your own Traits list!

Michelle’s Traits

9/2/08

 

Calm

Patient

Humility

Doesn’t expect to have it easier or better than anyone else

compassionate

spreads kindness

outwardly loving with those I love

generous

open/vulnerable

courageous

forgiving of self and others

honest

grateful/appreciative

spontaneous

creative – in problem solving and creating joy

loyal

focuses on the good in others

accepting/allowing of others and their choices/imperfections

unaffected by the choices of others

non-judgmental

Optimistic: sees the upside in everything; confident that it will all work out just fine

makes decisions easily based on her heart – not her head, not society

no regret – except for taking time to learn the lessons from non-optimal decisions and then moving on

no guilt

focuses on goals, dreams, future – not the past

HAVE dreams, goals that I work toward every day – these guide a lot of my decisions

always learning, trying new things, growing

uses tools to handle uncertainty, discomfort – doesn’t turn to numbing with food, alcohol, withdrawal, etc.

not jealous – is able to be happy for others, takes action to improve my life/opportunities if someone has or experiences something I want

lives consciously and with perpetual awareness– no more automatic responses, no more floating,

actively chooses empowering interpretations, thoughts, actions

when lacking hard data, chooses interpretations that serve me and my spiritual goals well

hyper aware of when my ego, fears, and expectations are affecting my interpretations, my thoughts, my actions

anxiety held at reasonable levels –use tools to deflate if and when it grows beyond acceptable limit

no expectations – hopes are ok, expectations usually lead to disappointment, resentment, etc.

self-confident, self-secure that she can handle whatever comes along

can pick myself up quickly when things don’t go as I had hoped (not expected)

smiling, laughing a lot

seeks out joy

seeks out good new people

loving to my body: eat well, drink lots of water, exercise regularly

respected and needed in my job

 

My confessional and recommitment . . .

No, I haven't relapsed to bulimia. But, I've realized that I'm completely spiritually out of whack, and I've been letting it just fester and get worse for up to a year now. I'm ruining my health and my relationships and wasting my beautiful life wallowing in terrible thoughts and emotions.

As you know, I basically disappeared from the blog quite a while ago. I thought I had basically said all there was to say on the matter of recovery (maybe I did), and I had become "very busy" with work and my life in general. It occurred to me recently after a couple big fights with Todd that I'm in big trouble here, and I have to get my head straight again - quickly. I'm impatient; I'm judgmental; I'm angry; I'm resentful; I'm depressed; I'm feeling hopeless; I'm JEALOUS. An annoying commute home could send me into an angry pouty mood for the rest of the evening. I started saying again regularly, and meaning it with all my heart, "I hate people."

Once it's started, it's so very easy to just keep on with living life through a fog of upset and negativity. It's a downward spiral that perhaps begins slowly, but if you don't catch it and actively make a commitment to fight it, it takes on speed and momentum.

I got caught in it, my friends, and I allowed it to happen.

I'm not proud of myself. I'm feeling incredibly humbled and embarrassed by all the choices I've made in the last year that have led to this point. But, there's one good thing to say about that nasty downward spiral: eventually (if you're lucky), you hit bottom. Things get so awful and so desperate that you finally are forced to pick yourself up and figure out a way to improve your situation. My bottom was realizing that no matter how hard I've tried NOT to take it all out on Todd, I can't seem to stop myself. My bottom was realizing that 1) I'm completely out of control of my choices again, and 2) I'm hurting and driving away the one person that means the most to me of anyone on this earth.

It started a year ago when there were big changes underway at my old job of 5 years. My easy, comfortable, relatively mindless job got shaken up and basically ended. Rather than go with the flow, I fought it and railed against it and got very, very resentful. Then, when I finally moved on to a new job, I found that I really missed my old easy job and lifestyle. I'm working harder and longer than every. I became very JEALOUS of everyone who doesn't have to work so hard. I highlight the word JEALOUS because, right now anyway, I think that was the dis-empowering choice that started all this.

My jealousy lead to resentment. Resentment led to anger and even to hate. Once you allow yourself to enter hate mode, you, my friend are going down. Way down. And, boy, sometimes hate feels really, really good. You think it's empowering you - strengthening you. But, it really just brings you to your knees. And, the people around you sense it and go running for the hills. And, that feeds your hate. Oh boy, everyone, I hate admitting this to the world. But, I have to. Humility is what I feel is my first step back to recovery.

I have a process that works. It's all documented here in this blog. Hell, I WROTE the blog. But, I chose to turn away from it. I thought I didn't need it anymore. Let this be a lesson to you as well: living a spiritually healthy, beautiful, fulfilling life takes commitment for people like you and me who didn't TRAIN in living this way since we were young. When things get challenging and busy for us is the time we need to work this stuff even harder.

I'm not saying that you need to fear relapse to bulimia all your life. Bulimia is a symptom, a coping mechanism for all the bad interpretations and choices you make. If you draw a line in the sand at the time you realize you've let yourself get spiritually out of whack again, you've still got plenty of time to get yourself straight before the bulimia starts becoming appealing again. But, you've got to commit to doing the work to get your head straight again.

What I am going to do is simply start working the daily exercises again. And, this time I have a very good friend who is going to do it with me. Hi Alyson. She's not bulimic. She simply wants to make big changes in her life and herself, and she "gets" that this process really works.

Last week, we created our first draft (it will change all the time) list of all the traits and characteristics we most admire in other people. The traits we wish we had. This week, we're working that list into an actionable Daily Checklist that holds us accountable for PRACTICING those traits every day. Every night, we will reflect on what we've successfully practiced and what we need to focus on practicing tomorrow. We will also do a nightly Success Journal, where we list the things we're most of proud of ourselves for that day, the things we're most thankful for that day, and what our challenges were.

As we practice and focus and reflect (practice being the most important), we slowly BECOME.

I could link back to where I did these exercises the first time around (everything is in the **Exercises for Recovery**  section), but I choose not to. I'm doing it from scratch. It will all reflect where I am today and where I want to go from here.

Why don't you commit to doing it with us? I envision it will take about 2 months of hard core, 6 days per week commitment. After that, we'll scale back to weekly. But, I won't turn away from this again. I've proved to myself that I live my best, most fulfilling and happy life when I continue to practice and reflect on a daily basis on being the person I most want to be.

Now is the time. Let's get it done. Do it with me.

DENTAL PROBLEMS

Ugh. I’m having dental problems. My problems aren't "necessarily" from my 14 years of bulimia, but they are definitely from a side-effect of not being great at dealing with stress, even after my recovery - I grind my teeth. And, apparently, I've been grinding like never before since I began my new stressful job in March. It’s true that my new job really stresses me out and even put me into a bit of a depression for about 2.5 months (thankfully, it's been getting much better – that will be a separate post). I was consumed with a fear of failure. The job is tough and demanding, but those things are manageable IF YOU AREN’T CONSUMED WITH SELF-DOUBT.

Let's talk about my teeth. I went to the dentist in March before I left my old job since I didn't know how the insurance would be with the new one. She didn't see anything unusual and just gave me a cleaning. By late April, my teeth started hurting. My whole left side of my mouth hurt. I tried ignoring it, but of course it just got worse. I couldn't eat or drink anything cold. I couldn't eat anything sweet & sticky - I got some candy stuck in there once and I about hit the ceiling from the pain.

I finally went back to the dentist (my new insurance covers my old dentist, thankfully) in June. She found that my grinding had "dug up" 2 old fillings that would have to be replaced. And, I have one new cavity. She also gave me some more scary news - I may have cracked a tooth, which definitely means getting a crown and probably a root canal. UGH!! For now, I got 2 fillings done and will get the 3rd done at the end of the month. She filled the potentially cracked tooth, at my insistence, hoping that that would take care of the problem and that her guess at it being cracked is wrong. But, alas, 2 weeks after getting it filled, it still hurts as much as it did before she "fixed" it. I'm going to have to get up some courage and get the root canal and the crown.

Who knows how much worse this is because of the damage I did to my teeth during 14 years of bulimia. The one thing we know for sure is that my lingering inability to deal well with stress and my propensity to let challenge and discomfort with new, unknown circumstances develop into an overwhelming fear of failure have caused me to do more harm to my body. It's frustrating . . .

I have grown enough to recover from bulimia, but I'm still not as spiritually strong, courageous, optimistic, and unattached from my circumstances as I want to be. I need to get some of my old tools and books back out. In June, just before I finally made that first dentist appt, I actually reread "Self-Esteem Tools for Recovery" by my friend, Lindsey Hall of Gurze.com, and it helped immensely. This book isn't just for bulimics, it's for anyone struggling with a bad habit (such as my bad habit to focus on the potential for failure over all else when things get challenging). It actually was the turning point between being my depressed about my job and my starting to embrace it because of all the wonderful things it brings to my life.

To look on the positive side (which I’ll get into more in another post), I’m happy that 1) I’m finally challenging myself to grow in my career and really feel proud of myself and excited about watching myself accomplish meaningful things. And, 2) my new challenging circumstances are forcing me to continue to stretch myself and grow spiritually. Every tough time in our lives is a beautiful opportunity to grow stronger and better if we choose to work on it.

have more to say about how I got out of my funk with the new job, but I want this post to focus a bit more on teeth. I have to thank the anonymous poster who wrote this comment just today over on my post, "Dental problems from bulimia:"

I need to get veneers because of the damage i have caused during 20 years of bulimia. Is there anything else i can do to protect my veneers? Of course i am trying to recover but don't hold out much hope. Can any bulimics tell me how their veneers are lasting and if they are having any problems.

This poster’s amazing timing made me finally get this post written. We would BOTH love input from anyone out there who had to go through major dental work, particularly vaneers, during or after bulimia. Please share your experiences and how your dental work is holding up. I’m going to have to get a “night guard” to stop me from grinding while I’m asleep – anyone out there have one of these?

"How did you cope with your bulimia?"

Ashley asked me a good question tonight:

I was just wondering what ways you found helpful in coping with your bulimia.  I'm really struggling now and could use any help!

I wrote:

Hi Ashley.

Before I was really "ready" to start the recovery process by working with my coach, it was helpful spiritually to at least stop judging myself as such a disgusting disaster and accept that just because I had an unhealthy coping mechanism, it didn't mean I was a complete failure in life or that I wouldn't be able to still accomplish some amazing, wonderful things in my life. I chose to do as much as I could and live life as much as I could, even with my limiting "condition." That helped a lot. That attitude kept me from sinking into a paralyzing depressing and hopelessness. I went back to school, I kept decent jobs, I ate as well as I could, I took care of myself as well as I could. I seized opportunities for adventure and friendship and love to the extent that I could. When I couldn't, I was sad, but I would forgive myself and keep getting up and trying again.

However, I wish someone would have told me back then what I’m always writing in my blog: you’re never going to get better with your current life skill set and knowledge. Your ways of interpreting, thinking and reacting are what got you in this mess. Maybe it will take years, but you need to get started today on learning and trying out alternatives. Take baby steps. Get your butt to the library and start reading some good spiritual (I don’t mean religious) stuff. You need a textbook for life – get out and start looking for it. Start with the book list on the right side of my blog. Talk about what you’re reading and trying out – share it with others. Blog about it!

I hope you're doing as well as you can and trying to forgive yourself for not being perfect.

With love,

Michelle

Just a couple of pics from Costa Rica . . .

Hi all. I'm so sorry I've been missing. I've had a few things to contend with:

1. My new job is demanding and tiring,
2. Todd's little catering business has suddenly really taken off! I've been helping when I can (he has to pay me now, though!),
3. I've been trying to volunteer at one of the LA county animal shelters one day every weekend.

I thought I would post just a couple pics from our Costa Rica trip last month to prove to you that I'm still alive.

Here we are doing a zip line for the first time. Yes, we are SUPER sweaty (yuck), but look at that view!

This is at an AMAZING restaurant, Hicaco, for Todd's Bday.

Off to Costa Rica for Todd's Bday!

Hi all. I'm sorry I haven't posted in so long. The new job has required a bit of a change in lifestyle. I'm working more, and I have no privacy at the office, so I just haven't found any time or focus to write. But, things are pretty good. I'll do my best to write again when I get back. Todd & I are taking off tonight (2 am flight - yikes!) for a week in Costa Rica. We're staying in Jaco. We plan to surf and eat and drink and hike and read and snooze. I am SO ready! Tonight we're making dinner for our old roomate and his girlfriend who have very generously offered to dog sit for us. Our roommate also invited a couple friends to dinner, so now we've got a bit of an unexpected party going on.

I just wanted to warn you that if you buy a bracelet or write to me, I won't be able to respond to either until we get back next Sunday, 5/18.

I hope you all are doing well.

Bracelets are IN!

Finally! You can check them out and purchase them here.

The PayPal buttom includes shipping info for the US only, so if you live outside the US, please email me your order, and I can invoice you directly.

Skiing, insecurity, and my need for control

Todd and I went skiing this past weekend up at Mammoth. It was the first time I’ve skied in California. The snow was great, and it wasn’t too cold. We went with another couple and stayed in a on-mountain condo. It was ski-in/ski-out, so it was super convenient but, of course, super expensive. I’m still waiting on my year-end bonus – now I really need it! Another couple that are good friends of ours also just happened to be up there on their own. We skied a bunch with them, too. We all had a blast. The 5 hour car ride on Friday and again on Sunday was definitely NOT fun, though. Hopefully, our friends will send us some photos that I can post – I forgot to take some.

I was freaking out a bit too much about the cost of everything while we were there. Our friends picked out the place, and we didn’t know how much it cost until I asked how much we owed them. I almost swallowed my tongue when they told me. Add in the cost of the lift tickets, and suddenly, Todd and I had spent a LOT of money on just 2 days.

But, I’ve been listening to a great CD in my car, called The Power of Self-Coaching by Dr. Joseph J. Luciani, and the author just happened to be talking on my Monday morning commute about how worrying so much about things is really a self-defeating form of control. If we dream up every awful potential outcome possible, we won't be taken off guard when the worst occurs - we'll be prepared, and we retain control. The obsessive need to be prepared for every awful outcome stems from our inability to TRUST that we’re capable of figuring out an acceptable solution WHEN the time comes.

My need to have such tight-reined control over money is a glaring street sign that I still don’t trust my ability to take care of myself financially or to handle financial challenges.

Yikes.

I also realized how I was choosing to obsess over the money rather than be grateful that 1) I really CAN afford to splurge once in awhile, and 2) I had this wonderful opportunity to do something that I love with people that I love. For goodness’ sake, I ACTUALLY CRIED after finishing my first run on Saturday morning. I was just so moved by how amazingly wonderful it felt to ski on a beautiful morning on perfect snow in such a beautiful place as Mammoth mountain! Why the hell couldn’t I stop thinking about the cost of it all?

The Power of Self-Coaching had the answer: I’ve still got some very bad habits around control and money. I’ve made huge strides in acknowledging when I’m frightened but pushing through it anyway (my job search is a great example), but money is definitely a sticky issue with me. I rationalize my worry by arguing that I’m all I’ve got in the world. If I get into trouble, there is no one there to bail me out. I’m not worried about the here and now so much since I have friends and Todd and the skills and ability to go out and make more money. But, what about when I’m old? I don’t have family, and I don’t plan to create any by having children. I do plan on being completely alone at some point when I’m very old, and that’s ok with me. But, it is totally crappy and unhealthy to be worrying about “what if” I’m broke and alone and kicked out into the street when I’m 85 years old?! I’m planning and saving for my old age as best I can now, and who is to say that I won’t get hit by a truck tomorrow? I’ve wasted so much of my youth and life worrying about something that may never even come close to happening – particularly considering how much effort I’m putting into SAVING for my old age!

I highly recommend the book or CD to you. The author talks a lot about all this “what if’ing” that really screws with our heads. He is VERY wordy, and he gets a VERY slow start. But, there’s a lot of great stuff in there if you’re patient. It’s all very similar to the approach my coach used with me in recovery. The key is hyper-awareness of what you’re doing to yourself, when you start doing it, and how to stop it.

Check out the author’s “blog” posts right in the Amazon.com book write up. He writes:

“Self-Coaching reduces all conflict (especially anxiety, panic, and depression) to two words: insecurity and control. By understanding how, because of reflexive habits of insecurity, you’ve gravitated toward a life of control (i.e., worrying, rumination, perfectionism, compulsion, etc.) you are in a position to begin seeing exactly what can be done to eliminate psychological friction from your life. The key to psychological well-being is learning what you’re doing that feeds the reflexive habits of insecurity (i.e., worry, doubts, fears, and negatives) and what you can do to starve these habits.”

I got the job!

AND, although it was very scary for me, I negotiated to start the new job a week later than I originally let on that I would be available. This will allow me to get my bonus, learn of my raise (good for job history), and maybe even take a couple of days off before I start. I went back and forth on just giving my notice and forfeiting the bonus. But, I wanted that bonus, I deserved it, and I was going to communicate my wants to the new company. I was petrified that they would decide I wasn’t worth waiting for, but I pushed myself to take that scary step of telling them what I wanted, and I GOT IT! AND, perhaps even more important, I have strengthened my self-confidence, my courage, my trust in myself that my wants are valid, important, and worth the respect of others.

Yay!

This is a good example of why I always say you have to push through your fear each and every day. Look how I’ve grown from this one little, though significantly frightening, experience.

New job update

Things are getting exciting on the job change front. I have a good chance of getting an offer today or tomorrow. If that happens, I may be giving my 2 week resignation notice this week! I will be dying to do it on Thursday because I want my last day here to be March 13, and that will be exactly 2 weeks. But, then I’ll never know what my annual raise/bonus would have been since those are supposed to be coming out in March.

Do I wait until March to get my raise/bonus or just run? If I am informed of my higher salary in March, then I’ll have better salary negotiations going forward. Of course, it might not be significantly higher. I DESERVE a raise after this hellish year, but every other year at this time, I’ve just gotten the typical cost of living increase, a $2500 bonus, and a stock incentive. The stock incentive will be worthless, but the bonus would be nice . . .

What to do?? I already told the new company that I would be available after the 13^th.

It’s fun and exciting to think about all these possibilities. I enjoy thinking about that moment when I tell my boss I'm OUT! But, what I really need to do is just chill for now because even if they offer me the job today, we might need to negotiate. Then, I would need the offer in writing in hand before I jump ship. So, I may have another whole week before I need to officially give my notice.

I’ll keep you guys posted!

Busy times: job search and family update

It’s been a super busy time these last couple of weeks as I juggle a busy job, a job search, volunteering all day every Saturday, and my family. Luckily, the excitement of the changes and opportunities associated with the job search and subsequent life change are helping to fuel an overabundance of energy.

•           Family: things are SOOOO much better since my depression lifted while I felt “trapped” in my awful job that changed so dramatically for the worse last August, and I’m actually stepping into the next phase of my life. We had a wonderful Valentine’s Day and ½ year anniversary last week. Yes, we celebrate our anniversary every 6 months! We started it because it’s the day before Valentine’s, so it gives us the option of going out on the 13^th and staying home and avoiding the crowds and chaos on the 14^th. Todd and I have been together 2.5 years now! The last half year was tough on us. But, we’re through it and we’re stronger and even more committed. Yay!

We also “got away” a little bit this weekend. We went wine tasting up in Santa Ynez wine country on Sunday and camped out for the night at El Capitan state park. It was a lot of fun and our first time camping out together. We brought the dogs, and they really added to the whole experience. We would do a wine tasting, then go exploring with the dogs to burn off the alcohol. Then, repeat at another winery. We got lazy with the camping and figured we could all just crash in the back of Todd’s station wagon. That’s Todd, me, and almost 200 pounds of dog! It didn’t work as well as we had hoped. We were pretty cramped! We got up early (as soon as the sun came up!) and let the dogs run around as we explored the park. No one was around, so we didn’t have to worry about bothering anyone or getting in trouble. They loved it, and that made Todd and me extra happy.

•           Job search: it’s going pretty well. I actually think I’m going to be receiving an offer for a job that sounds really challenging and is a good fit for my long-term goals. They just want to talk with my 2 references. But, we already talked a bit about money and when I could start, so that’s a really good sign. The only issue is that, while they’re very conveniently located in Beverly Hills right now, they’re moving to Santa Monica later this year. Ugh. That will take my commute from 25 minutes to 40-60 minutes. I’ve been struggling with that. I wish I had more potential jobs on the table right now to weigh against it. But, I don’t. I interviewed for a job down at LAX (what was I thinking?!). It was a 40 minute drive down there in the middle of the day with no traffic. It took me 1.5 hours to get home during rush hour. No Thank You!

I just wish I had more good jobs to explore so I could compare. Job searches are completely dependent on the timing. Maybe in March or April my dream job would become available, but I need to find a job sooner than that. So, it’s a total gamble. No, I’m not committing my life to this next job, but I really hope to be there at least 2 years.

One thing I’d like to mention: my next job is going to be very busy. No more playing online during the day. It’s going to be all work and no play. That’s VERY different from my current job. And, I’m ready for that now. Having less to do at work has often played with my mind – making me feel guilty and like I’m being complacent about not really growing as the years went by (remember I’ve been here 5 years now). But, I have to remind myself that I NEEDED my job to be like this these past few years. During my tenure here:

•           my sister committed suicide. I needed to take a LOT of time off to deal with that. Other companies wouldn’t have bent over backwards to support me like WB did.

•           I recovered from 14 years of bulimia and 30 years of rage, panic disorder, depression, and persistent, paralyzing fear. That took a lot of time and focus. I admit that I often used company time to work on my “homework” for my coach. We even had our weekly one hour phone sessions while I was at work. I wouldn’t have been able to do that at another job.

•           I wrote this blog. Again, I admit that I often used company time to write for the blog. I never put off work to do it. I just had more free time in this job than I probably should have in a corporate job.

I am now officially and fully ready to tackle a challenging job, where I’ll need to learn and grow and really stretch to meet demands. I’m ready to focus all day, every day on my work. The job I’m thinking of taking will get me that much closer to my long-term career goals. I’m scared because I haven’t had to work hard for over 5 years, and I’ve forgotten SOO much of the stuff I’ll need to do the job. But, I’m ready for the fear – I’ll turn it into energy and excitement to get creative and somehow figure out and learn what I need to learn. I’m done with complacency and boredom. I’m ready.

Great excitement in the midst of total uncertainty!

My time in hell is almost over. I set out last August to survive my awful job until mid-March, my 5 year anniversary with the company, when I become fully vested, get my pension, and get stock. On top of that, I would learn a new, very complex business system (SAP, Advanced Planning & Optimization (APO) module) I knew it wasn’t going to be easy, but I decided that in the long run it would be best. As you could probably tell from my complete absence from this blog that I was in a pretty bad place. I’ve been in a true depression since September. I even went on my old anti-anxiety meds for a few months to help me through it and deal with Christmas, which is always a tough time.

The thing that really amazes me right now is that, right on the verge of so much change and uncertainty, my energy is suddenly through the roof. I’m feeling great, optimistic, and super excited to see how this next chapter of my life is going to turn out. I’ve been accomplishing a ton of things that are important to me (including some blog posts and personal emails), and I have energy left over. It’s a wonderful, natural high.

No, it’s not the meds! I stopped those the day after Christmas. It’s just pure wonder at all the potential there is for me right now.

I want to acknowledge that I have finally learned how to really embrace uncertainty and see all the beauty there is in change. It’s the exact opposite of what I chose to put myself through these last 6 months – instead of just “surviving,” I’m now back in control of my life and how I want to live it. My self-confidence isn’t quite where I want it to be yet. And, I’m still not sure exactly what I want for myself after this job. But, after a couple job interviews, I just know I’ll be feeling stronger and more sure of myself.

How can YOU embrace change and uncertainty in your life?

How to find a teacher/coach

I got an email asking about coaching: how much it costs and how to find a good one. I wrote back:

The only coach I have worked with is, unfortunately, very expensive. The 9 month package I bought from him costs usually $18,000 or $19,000 (or it did 3 years ago, anyway). He gave it to me for $14,000 because he had an on-going business coaching relationship and friendship with my boyfriend at that time. I bought it because 1) I basically got an ultimatum from my boyfriend then, 2) I was desperate to change - I felt like I was at "rock bottom" with the bad choices I continued to make, and 3) I had the money - I was 34 at the time and decided it was a good investment after a lifetime of fear, rage, and confusion.

If I were to do it again, I would have paid for a much shorter commitment, though, since I felt I learned pretty much all I needed (or wanted??) within about 4 or 5 months, max. It was quite intensive, and I was ready to give it a go on my own within 4-5 months.

You can find a couple other coaches listed on my blog in the left hand column, but to be honest I haven't heard of any great success stories from anyone working with them yet. Keep in mind, too, that "coaches" aren't generally covered by insurance.

You might want to look into this approach I wrote about in the blog: New non-traditional recovery help. You're going to have to do research. Look perhaps for therapists who have been trained in Cognitive Behavioral Therapy since, from what I know, it's pretty close to what I did with my coach. Therapists are generally covered by insurance, too, so this is probably the most economical way to go. The key, however, is finding someone to TEACH YOU, GIVE YOU TONS OF EXERCISES and FEEDBACK, and HOLD YOU ACCOUNTABLE for doing the work and pushing yourself beyond your comfort zone and self-defeating automatic reactions to things. A therapist who just listens to you isn't even worth your time, let alone your $$. You have a lot of missing skills and/or bad knowledge that keeps you making self-defeating choices, probably without your even being aware of it.

Learning to live the life you really want requires something like a school education: instruction, repetition and practice, correction and feedback, and testing (testing in this analogy is how your life changes as you grow). You need a very active teacher.

As I’ve said before: Recovery is an active process in partnership with the world and what it throws at you. Just talking about it, thinking about it, even writing about it won’t get you there.

Keep seeking and asking questions, keep learning. You'll get there.

Yay! New bracelets in the works!

My old jeweler is back on the case! He’s working on the brown bracelets right now. I’ve ordered 100 of them, so I hopefully won’t run out again too soon! The regular bracelet is 8.5 inches (22 cm) and ½ inch wide (1.5 cm). He’s also going to do a slightly longer version (9 in / 23.5 cm) if you think the original might be too small. I’ll let you know as soon as I have them in my hot little hands!

My thoughts today on how to recover from bulimia

Wow, I don’t know where all this came from. For some reason unknown to me, I answered an email today in FULL detail! I haven’t gone off like this for quite some time. I would like to share it with all of you. She asked:

“I hope you don't mind but I've got some questions. I should probably start with my story. Over the last 3 years I've had real problems with being sick. It started when I first started university. I started to be sick, just randomly one day. I've had issues with food since I was 15 and used to just not eat to keep myself thin.

I thought it was a stomach bug but it didn't go away. I was in and out of hospital, and I was too scared to admit to the doctors that I was finding it a relief. Finally I could eat whatever I wanted and it didn't matter. Eventually I started to be less sick, I could eat a couple of meals every few days and they let me go home. Eventually I could control when I was being sick.

Obviously, as I was able to digest more I put on weight. I started being sick every time I felt bad about myself and my Mother made it worse. I ended up in counseling after a very kind doctor saw that I was having problems but the counseling wasn't really about my weight, it was more about the issues with my family.

I'm now being sick very infrequently but it’s still when I'm feeling low about myself. I've put on a lot of weight since this all started (I suppose because I'm getting better).

Do you have any advice for someone like me? I'm a bit overweight now and trying hard to lose weight, just to get down to a healthy weight.

I think I'm on the road to recovery and I'm not even sure I had/have an eating disorder but am a little concerned as I don't want to lapse back in to my old habits.

I'm sorry if this doesn't make any sense. I suppose I just wanted someone’s opinion, someone who had been though the whole disorder thing. Thanks in advance.”

I wrote back:

I hate to say it, but you, my friend, are definitely bulimic. You may have started anorexic - I don't know enough to say for sure. Many people start that way. But, you are definitely bulimic now.

It's not your fault, though. The mechanical process of throwing up causes your brain to send out all kinds of chemicals, mostly for the purpose of calming you down, relaxing you, and even numbing you a bit. It's been scientifically proven. The problem is that, for people who are prone to anxiety or upset, those chemicals can be quite addictive.

You learned, perhaps even unconsciously, that throwing up made you feel better: you feel calmer, less anxious, less frightened, less confused. Things seem clearer, easier. Your head clears, and suddenly it becomes easier to make decisions. You feel less paralyzed by uncertainty and doubt, and you’re able to move forward again.

Many of us (me included) became bulimic in college because college is very stressful in many ways: academically, socially, financially, even spiritually. We lose our security blankets of home, best friends, and family. Even less than ideal families are at least still familiar and so are comforting in that way. We know what to expect. My home life wasn't great, but it was a place for me to hide out, and it was predictable. In college, I had to share a dorm room (with someone who intimidated me, by the way). I lost all privacy and had nowhere to hide, nowhere to just recoup by myself for awhile. Even my new “home” was uncomfortable for me.

I could go on and on about how bulimia “helped” me through college and on into real life. But, I think if you look at your own life in an honest and non-judgmental way, you’ll see how much it has helped you, too. So, give yourself a break when judging yourself for turning to it. It has helped you a lot.

Of course, using bulimia as an aide to getting through life isn’t sustainable or desirable, so you need to figure out how to stop it. The trouble is that you won’t be able to stop just by willing yourself or by trying really, really hard.

The only way you’ll ever stop is to take away the reason why turning to bulimia is so desirable: you have to learn how to not need it to calm yourself. You have to learn how to not get so anxious and muddled in the head.

Eventually, the sense of a “need” to use bulimia to calm yourself slowly just fades away.

My coach helped me do this by learning:

1)       how to actively incorporate some optimism in interpreting situations around us. Our first automatic reaction is generally worry, upset, and confusion about what to do. If, instead, we can actively (even forcibly) “spin” our interpretations to see potential opportunities, or benefits, or adventure in our lives, we don’t get so anxious. We get our own good-feeling chemicals flowing, rather than the bad fight-or-flight chemicals.

2)       how to calm myself down with deep breathing and other techniques. Since our automatic reaction to freak out is so strong, we sometimes have to actively calm ourselves physically a bit before we can spin our interpretations to the optimistic.

3)       How to tell myself “what if” stories to help me spin my interpretations to the more optimistic. If someone cuts me off in traffic, instead of automatically freaking out and getting in a rage, I picture the driver having a very bad day: perhaps he got laid off today, perhaps his wife left him, perhaps he got some bad news from the doctor, perhaps he is as screwed up and depressed as we’ve been ourselves, perhaps he is in need of some compassion – even while he is obviously making bad decisions that I don’t like.

4)       How to TRUST MYSELF to make the best decisions possible for myself with the information available. I used to be such a pessimist, I imagined I was incapable of making good decisions for myself. But, I had no one else to do the job, so even little decisions left me horribly depressed and confused. I had to appreciate and accept that no one can make better decisions for me than me. I had to appreciate and accept that I usually make wonderful decisions for myself, although it’s not often that I’ll make PERFECT decisions. I had to appreciate and accept that sometimes I’ll make horrible decisions, but I am creative enough and courageous enough to fix whatever issues and problems that come along. I will forgive myself for making the occasional bad decision, and I will love and grateful to myself for doing the very best I can.

5)       How to FAIL. Yes, we need to learn that we will not always achieve what we want. We will fail. And, that is OK!! If we aren’t failing occasionally, we aren’t really challenging ourselves. The most successful people in the world are the ones who have failed the most – they have all failed time and time again. We need to get over our fear of failing and learn that we can and will continue to get up and try again. Learn to fail without taking it so personally and so dramatically, and you’ll lose a HUGE amount of paralyzing fear.

6)       How to find a real passion in life, and find the courage to go for it. You have to somehow get your focus off your body! Your body is not YOU – it’s not your LIFE. Your body is one TOOL available to you to create the life you want – to achieve the things you want. The more you focus on your body, the more easily your real life slips from your hands and is lost. People can get hyper focused on their bodies as a way to avoid dealing with the world and life at large. Our bodies are “relatively” easy to manage and control, and if we work hard (by not eating or by throwing up, for example), we can create the effect we want. This isn’t so easy with managing our lives – there are too many moving pieces that are outside of our control. We can only control ourselves –our interpretations of the world, our reactions, our choices, and our focus. Focus on what you want, not what you don’t want! And, make sure your #1 focus is something enduring and truly spiritually and intellectually fulfilling – not your body. If you don’t have a passion right now, focus for a few years on just exploring and learning about what is meaningful to you. What actions and activities make you feel good about yourself and your contribution to this world?

You may need help learning all this. You may need a push to challenge your old bad beliefs about your capabilities, creativity, and courage in the face of challenges. I did. I have worked to share everything I learned from my coach here in the blog. So, read the whole thing! Start at the bottom of this page and read up.

Retraining ourselves toward optimism and hope rather than pessimism and doubt and fear takes practice and feedback and sometimes correcting – just like how we learned anything in school. But, you can do it. Keep reading, keep challenging yourself, and perhaps think about getting someone like a coach to help you through it. Recovery is an active process in partnership with the world and what it throws at you. Just talking about it, thinking about it, even writing about it won’t get you there.

Tons of free ED articles at Gürze.com

The full list is here.

Be sure to check out these specialty topics:

            For Families

            Eating Disorders in Youth

Eating Disorders in Males

Recovery Tips

Treatment

Poor Britney Spears

We just knew it. Spears Taken From Home in Ambulance last night.

Todd and I have learned that when we are kept up at night by helicopters, something is up with Britney Spears. She lives just on the other side of the hill from us, very close as the crow (or helicopter) flies. Ugh. I didn’t realize this until the LAST time Britney was taken from her home in an ambulance. Remember the “stand off” with police when she wouldn’t let her kids get taken to spend time with their father?

I should have known. On Mulholland Drive, for about a mile flanking the entrance to her gated neighborhood, there are always many cars parked and people milling about on the road. It’s the paparazzi. I knew there were stars living around that area, but I didn’t realize it was all about Britney.

I didn’t want to believe this, but even my neighbor, who stopped once to talk to them, told me it’s true: they sit there waiting until they get a call FROM BRITNEY HERSELF telling them that she is on the move and they should be ready to follow her!

It’s nuts. I really feel for that girl. As someone who has battled the crazies, herself, I can really empathize.

I’ve copied the article below in case the link dies.

__________________________________________________________________________

LOS ANGELES (AP) -- Britney Spears was taken from her home by ambulance early Thursday and escorted to the hospital by more than a dozen police officers in cars, on motorcycles and in helicopters.

A Los Angeles police officer, who spoke on condition of anonymity because he was not authorized to speak on the matter, said the 26-year-old pop star was being taken to the hospital to "get help." The Los Angeles Times cited unidentified authorities who said Spears was being placed on a "mental evaluation hold."

Video: Spears rushed to hospital again

Spears was taken to UCLA Medical Center, where her mother, Lynne, was seen leaving its psychiatric hospital at about 5:30 a.m.

When asked by a throng of paparazzi and reporters whether Britney was doing all right, Lynne Spears replied, "Yeah," before leaving in a Range Rover.

Hours earlier, shortly after 1 a.m., the motorcade that pulled away from Spears' residence was nearly the length of a football field. Along with the ambulance, it included police on nearly a dozen motorcycles and in two cruisers. Two police helicopters followed overhead.

The scene was more controlled than the one earlier this month when Spears also was taken away from her home in an ambulance.

On Jan. 3, police were called to her home when she refused to return her two young sons, Sean Preston, 2, and Jayden James, 1, to ex-husband Kevin Federline, who has custody.

Officers had paramedics haul Spears to a hospital for undisclosed reasons. She was released after a day and a half in Cedars-Sinai Medical Center.

Police also went to Spears' hilltop residence off Mulholland Drive on Monday night after someone reported a swarm of paparazzi trespassing in the singer's gated community. When officers arrived, they didn't see anyone trespassing, police said, but citations were issued for several illegally parked cars.

Spears has been in a highly public downward spiral since filing for divorce from Federline in November 2006.

Her bizarre antics include shaving her head bald, attacking a car with an umbrella and bringing along a paparazzo pal on trips to a courthouse in her child custody case.

New blog design and goodbyes to old friends . . .

Hi all. Have you noticed the new design? It sort of happened accidentally, but I like it, so I’m keeping it. What do you think? I have just a few little issues to iron out . . .

Since my web site died, I’ve been busy cleaning up all the old dead links and references to it. As I go, I’ve been finding that a lot of my old favorite blogs and web sites are no longer available. They’re just gone. No parting words. Just gone. It makes me so sad! I've had to delete the broken links so readers don't get too annoyed, although I feel like I'm deleting part of the history of our little online community. Here are just a few of the sites/blogs I've had to delete:

Assaulted Thoughts

Tortured (Jane) - I think Jane's blog was the first one I found on bulimia 3 years ago!

Miss Blue

Please remind me of who else is gone; I know I've deleted other links . . . I would like to commemorate them and their contributions.

This has made me more committed to keeping this blog alive even well after I run out of constructive things to say. For the years and the days or even the moments when I had something important enough to say to put it up on the blog for the world to see, I want to keep this alive.

Does anyone have a digital copy of "As a Man Thinketh?"

I'm looking specifically for my MS Word version that you may have downloaded from my web site (before it died). I can't seem to find it anywhere. It's a 30 page document that I typed from scratch, so I really don't want to have to do it again!

If you happen to have it, can you email me a copy at michelle@michellehope.org?

I still LOVE that little book, and I want to make it available for free from my blog.

Thank you!

**EDIT: Gu found it for me online. I've already uploaded for you to access for free here. I highlighted my own favorite parts, but it's a Word document, so you can remove all the highlighting.

Working on the blog today . . .

I figured out how to keep my email address, michelle@michellehope.org! Since I own the domain, it's only $10/year to set up and manage the address through my personal Yahoo email account. Yay! That is a huge relief! It's going to take a few days to set up, though, so please continue to use the comments if you want to communicate with me. Many of you have my personal address - you can use that if you've got it!

Next ToDo - figure out how to sell my ebooks and bracelets through the blog.

**EDIT** As of right now, Sunday morning, michelle@michellehope.org is working again! I’m so psyched I figured it out – all on my own.

I can’t figure out why I can’t get http://www.michellehope.org/ to redirect to the blog, as recommended by Gu. It seems like I followed all the directions correctly . . . I even sent an email to webhero to see if there is something they need to do. We’ll see . . .

**EDIT** As of right now, Sunday afternoon, http://www.michellehope.org/ redirects to the blog! Yay! I got a really whacked email back from Yahoo customer service telling me I have to upgrade my service and spend more money to get the redirect. On a whim, I tried it one more time, and it worked perfectly. So, I DID follow the directions correctly (and, I don't have to give Yahoo more $$!). I just had to wait a bit for the change to kick in . . .

Unless my good friend (and Internet guardian angel), Gu, did something to fix it! Gu has helped me with my web problems from afar before!

I also got my few remaining bracelets set up for purchase via the "Recovery Bracelets" photo album or via the bracelet photo link in the top left corner of the blog. The eBook is almost ready to go, but I have to fix the PDF at work tomorrow because I have to remove all references to the web site in there.

Also To-Do on Monday: get all the free downloads from my old site uploaded and available somewhere here on the blog.

Disaster has struck my web site, MichelleHope.org

It's the end of an era. My web site, MichelleHope.org, is dead. The hosting company, webhero or catalog.com or onesite (whatever it's called now), had a serious server crash yesterday and lost a whole bunch of the sites they were hosting. Apparently, the only back up of my site was from over a year ago! It was almost unrecognizeable to me. I am really sorry if you went there and got horribly confused.

I basically would have had to build the damn thing almost from scratch. But, I feel that they screwed up enough for me to be crazy to do that. Plus, the site was up for renewal in early March, and I couldn't stomach giving them a bunch of new money.

So, I cancelled my service and had them destroy the whole thing. It's awful for me to think of people going there and getting a horrible error. But, it had to be done.

Don't worry, my blog isn't going anywhere!

There was one casualty, unfortunately. A wild coincidence enabled Meg to think she was buying my last purple text recovery & wellness bracelet. But, Lindsay had bought it just a few hours before. I hadn't been able to update the site properly, and now I have to tell Lindsay how awfully sorry I am and refund her money. I haven't sold a bracelet since October, but somehow I had 2 people wanting the same bracelet within hours of each other on the exact day my site goes kaplooey! Weird.

Another sad passing: my email address michelle@michellehope.org. I believe it will continue to work until my renewal date in early March. But, its days are numbered. It's dead, too. I will have to figure out a new dedicated email to publicize. I don't want to put my personal address in the blog because I get ENOUGH spam in that account. In the meantime, please use the blog comments to contact me.

I also have to figure out how to begin selling my eBook on the blog. I would LOVE to not have to create a brand new web site somewhere. Is this possible now? I couldn't figure it out when I set this all up almost 3 years ago. Any suggestions?

OMG, I just realized that I'm going to have to remove all the michellehope.org links in the blog. That will be a BIG job. Please bear with me and all the broken links for a little while?

I'm actually pretty excited about this! It's sad that the site is dead, but I never liked having to maintain it anyway. Plus, I've slogged through a bunch of months of drudgery, stuck in a rut without much capacity to make changes since I insist on staying in my dead-end job until mid or end of March (see My job is sucking the life out of me for info on that). But, the spring is almost upon us, and the spring is the perfect time for embracing change! With the loss of my site, I feel like my time of change has begun! It’s exciting! Yes, it’s a bit scary because it’s all so unknown. But, it’s exciting. I am SO very ready for some change!

How about you guys?? Is it time for you to make some changes in your lives at all? Are you ready to shake things up a bit? Run with eyes wide open into the unknown of change and possibility and potential? I am, and it feels great!

Happy New Year!

It’s time for an update!

It’s a new year, and I’ve been missing for too long.

I want to send a special thank you to Gu for continuing to send little notes of support and friendship throughout the holidays and my personal dates of importance in December. How does he remember them all?

I also want to thank my friend, Bridget, over at www.barneybu.blogspot.com for being so patient with me.

On to the update:

Work.

Work was my number one cause of misery when I last wrote. Funny, I STILL don’t have a working system, although the team has continued to promise that it’s just about ready to go! In November, the developers decided they were on the wrong track and redesigned the whole thing from scratch! Luckily, I stopped taking it all personally, so, while it’s still a bummer, I’m no longer frustrated or upset about it.

I’m just tired and bored of it all now. I’m actually going to push to have the entire system removed from my management. Anther team has slowly been taking over more & more ownership, and having me involved makes the process so complicated and messy and error prone. I think it’s ingenious –just because I was managing it before doesn’t mean it’s still the right thing to do. I’m excited to talk to my boss about it. Of course, he’ll probably say no. (Damn my pessimism!) I spoke with the project manager (who I really dislike, but have been forcing myself to be kind and productive with), and he was totally supportive and was going to talk to the other team about it. Of course, they’ll probably say no. (Damn my pessimism again!)

I’m still hanging in there to get my tenure in mid-March, and it’s not nearly as hard anymore. I may have to stay through the end of March, though, because that’s when we get our annual review. I’m really curious about how I’ll do. And, if I do somehow happen to get a raise (I’m not holding my breath – I haven’t had the most productive year), it will look better taking my higher final salary into negotiations with a new company. I’m feeling better about the upcoming job search, too. I just need to jump in (probably beginning late-February), and I’m sure to get some good momentum and excitement.

My attitude has been really good at work since the new year began. I’ve been nice to people; I’ve gone out to lunch with people; I’ve even agreed to serve as President of my Toastmasters club for another 6 months. Over the last 4 or 5 months, I HATED the job since it was just one more responsibility on my shoulders. I couldn’t wait to be done with it. We really didn’t have anyone else to do it, though, so I reluctantly agreed. I just planned my first Officer’s meeting, and I’m actually feeling pretty good about the job again.

Health.

I had started up my anti-anxiety pills in October as a crutch to help me through the work misery and the holiday misery. If you haven’t read much of my blog, I’ll just say for now that I really don’t like the holidays. Even my boyfriend, Todd, doesn’t really understand the depth of my dislike and anxiety during the mid-December to New Year’s time period. I’ll probably do a post on it sometime.

As I had planned, I stopped taking the pills right after Christmas. I’m happy to report that I’ve been fine so far: no anxiety, no panic attacks. I’m optimistic that I was right about my plan – I just needed a temporary crutch.

A bit of bad news health-wise, however: I had been running 3 times a week between September and November, and I actually really enjoyed it! Shocking, I know! But, then I screwed up my hip, and it STILL hurts – even when I’m just walking! I’ve had to give it up for awhile. I probably won’t even try it again until spring to make sure it heals completely.

Family.

We had a scare with our 10 year old Weimaraner in November. She got really sick with allergies & hives for a few days, so Todd took her in to the vet. It turned out that she had a tumor that had gotten so big she was sure to die within a few months if we didn’t try to get it surgically removed. This was an incredibly rough time for me and Todd. The surgeon wasn’t optimistic that he could do anything, but Todd insisted that he try - Todd even had to yell at the guy to do it. I wasn’t very supportive of Todd in his choices here, and I sure made it harder on him to follow his heart (I was following mine), but luckily he ended up being completely right. We had the surgery, and while that wasn’t fun, our little girl has been healthier and happier than I’ve ever seen her. She’s playful and snuggly and affectionate. She was NEVER very affectionate before. It’s almost like she’s 5 years younger! It was amazing to see how big emotional decisions can really tear at a couple. Thankfully we made it through that challenge. We’re $10,000 poorer, of course, but we made it through, and our baby is happier than ever.

Love life.

Things with Todd are happily back on track in the new year. On top of our struggle dealing with our dog, it was tough on him having to watch me be miserable about my job when there was nothing he could do to make it better. Once I started the pills, I became much better at leaving the stress at the office and coming home happy to see my family. Our dogs were a great help in that since they’re just so happy and silly when I get home. If I take a moment to play with them and receive all the kisses and snuggles they want to give me, I found that it isn’t hard at all to get happy, even after the worst day and commute.

I broached the subject of potentially going away next Christmas, and he was totally open to it. I had assumed that Christmas time was sacred time for him to be with family, but I was wrong. I’m very happy to spend Thanksgiving and New Year’s with his family. But, because of my history with Christmas, I would just really prefer to spend a low key non-Christmas Christmas “away.” Maybe I’ll even learn to look forward to Christmas for the first time in my life!

We have an exciting trip planned for his birthday in May. We’re going to Jaco, Costa Rica! It’s especially exciting because it’s a gift from a couple of Todd’s clients! They’ve been so happy with Todd’s help and support that they bought the plane tickets, we’re staying for free in their condo there, and they even hired a driver to get us from the capital, San Jose, down to Jaco. Apparently, the surfing there is fabulous, so Todd is bringing his board. I’m a bit worried that I won’t be able to pry him from the water to go touring around the country, though!

One more fun tidbit: Todd & I talked about moving closer to his family someday relatively soon. While I assumed we would eventually move down there, I didn’t think he would be up for it until his LA friends started settling down with families & stuff. Again, I was wrong. We even know our first choice town: Solana Beach. It’s way too expensive to buy a home there, but we could pretty easily rent – especially as people get more desperate with the whole housing recession and all. Todd would rent out his house up here in LA, and perhaps we might even break-even financially. The move would be a logistical nightmare because of the house, a new job for me, and our 200 pounds or so of dog we have, but it’s exciting to think about doing it together. It’s just wonderful down there: the air is cleaner, there’s great biking (for me) and surfing (for him), and it’s just so beautiful. I’ve been in LA for over 5 years now, and I suppose I’ve got a bit of an itch for a change . . . Of course, I love our friends here in LA, and I would really miss them. We’re having dinner with a bunch of them at one’s house on Saturday, and I couldn’t be more excited to spend that time with them.

Spiritual life.

I haven’t been writing in my blog, but I’ve been doing something else that is incredibly powerful to me spiritually. I’ve been volunteering with dog rescue groups and one of the LA city animal shelters. I’ll be at the shelter for about 2 hours tomorrow and on Sunday, just going from cage to cage, scratching and petting and talking quietly with the dogs. It’s sad, but it’s fulfilling to know I’m doing SOMETHING to give them a little peace. Being LA, most of the dogs are pit bulls. Many are beaten up. Most will be put down. All of them press themselves so hard against their cage bars to get closer to me for a little bit of love and attention.

That’s the update for now. As you can see, it's been a challenging time. Luckily, I'm through the worst, and I'm optimistic for the future. I’m going to slowly get back to writing more regularly, but please don’t count on too much personal advice if you write me an email. Trust me – if I’ve ever had any words of wisdom on recovery, they’re probably already written here in the blog for you. Just read it.

I'm doing better; I've made adjustments

I want to thank you all for all your supportive and inspirational comments and emails (and thoughts). Little did I know that while I thought I was here to support YOU all these years, I've actually been building my own support group. Thank you all for being understanding and patient.

I've lost a lot of self-confidence regarding my ability to cope with challenges, frustration, and difficult people. And, I've taken on quite a bit of guilt, too, about leaving you all hanging and about losing my cool so much at work. I'm embarrassed and disappointed in myself. But, like you and I have both written, I will work on giving myself a break and forgiving myself.

I have made some adjustments here at work over the last week: 1) insisting my boss be at every status meeting from now on, or I won't go either (I'm not going to let my "colleagues" be abusive to me anymore), and 2) working hard to roll with the punches so I don't get too upset. I'm relinquishing my sense of being owner and parent to this system I've been working to develop. It's out of my hands; I'm going to treat it as such.

I've also identified my goals, and I'm focusing hard on them: 1) I want to learn as much as I can of the system I'm working to create (even if it never gets done). I am analyst (a good one, thank you very much), and I WANT TO KNOW as much as possible about SAP. I want this. I know that much. And, 2) I plan to start advertising for a new job in mid-February, so I'll have more options. That's only 3.5 months away. I can make it that long. And, by then, I'll have a much stronger resume, that's for sure. I'll keep reminding myself of goal #1 when things get hard.

I also decided to give myself a little present and start taking my anti-anxiety meds (Citalopram) again. I started them up on Sunday. They'll make my life a little easier and more pleasant until things calm down. Todd wasn't thrilled (he hates the side-effects in the bedroom), but he is supportive since it's only for a little while, and the upside potential in my mood, energy, and attitude are great. I'm happier already knowing that I've finally got a little "help."

I guess I'm writing to you right now also because I actually had a little fun this afternoon. It's hard to believe, but it's true. I worked with the developers (who are all good guys, vs. the project managers, who are not) in the system itself. It's coming together, and we did some training, some script & macro testing, and some data uploading. It's so ridiculously intricate and delicate and requires SO many steps in exactly the right order. But, we made it work, and I'm understanding it, and I feel good.

Like I said, I'm an analyst. I love systems and programs and database stuff. I do NOT love project management or corporate politics or game playing.

I might just make it through.

And, I'm really looking forward to getting my confidence back and forgetting these last few months. Yes, I will remember and honor and celebrate the huge accomplishment and forget the struggle. I'll be back, guys.

My job is sucking the life out of me

Hello all my friends. I'm so very sorry that I've gone missing for so long. And, I'm even more sorry for not responding to your emails. You've written asking for help and if I'm ok. I'm ok. But, I admit I'm struggling.

My eating is fine, actually. Don't worry that I've had a horrible relapse or anything.

But, my job has taken a terrible toll on my energy, my outlook, my attitude. It's been an absolute disaster at my job. I can't get into discussing it in detail right now. It's taking me a lot of energy to just write this much. But, trust me. It's really bad.

I alternate each day between walking out and never coming back, and wanting desperately to stick it out until mid-March. Mid-March is my 5 year anniversary at my company. At that point, I become fully vested in my 401k, receive a bunch of unrestricted stock, and become enrolled in the pension. All of this means a lot of money just waiting for me. If I can make it that long. Plus, if I can make it that long, I rationalize, things might be totally better. And, during this time, I'm getting training (and very valuable new job skills) on SAP, our new computer system that has actually made my life such hell since August.

I've been working on my resume and cover letter, getting ready for what is probably inevitable. But, I've lost a lot of self-confidence and motivation. I feel like I was set up to fail, and no matter how hard I tried, I’m doomed to fail. Yes, I said “tried” not “try” because I’ve given up fighting. I’ll continue to do what I can, but I don’t want to fight anymore. It’s been killing me. But, not pursuing what I feel is right is also killing me. I can’t figure out a middle path. And, it makes me so sad to think about leaving this job. It’s been pretty good to me all these years. I’ve enjoyed it. I’m not sure I can believe that I’ll find something I like nearly as much. I feel a sense of loss, too – even though I’m still here every day. Everything has taken such a dramatic turn, and there’s no going back to the way things were.

As time drags by, I’m thinking more and more about just leaving, even though it’s kind of like shooting myself in the foot to leave voluntarily when I could be learning all this great stuff in the next few months and getting an extra chunk of cash at the end of it. But, mental and spiritual health are so important! I’m just so afraid that I won’t be able to pick myself back up again anytime too soon if I do that. I’m afraid I’ll end up crawling into bed with depression.

I’ve thought about going back on my anti-anxiety medicine, but that makes me sad, too. I was doing SO great without it before all this started! I don’t want the side-effects back! But, I admit that I’ve been having lots of mini-panic attacks in the last couple of months since things got bad at work. Mostly at night. I’ve found the best way to handle them is to get out of bed and walk around until they pass. But, I would prefer to not get them at all.

I’m not going to let the blog go. But, in the near-term, I probably won’t be responding to emails or writing new posts. After struggling through 45 hours of this awful job, I just don’t have any energy left to give to you right now. I’m really sorry, everyone. I just wanted to let you know what’s going on.

With love & regret,

Michelle

New non-traditional recovery help

My friend, e, has been researching non-traditional recovery treatment for awhile now, and she’s found a new one she wants to share with all of you.

She writes:

“Still on the fence here for my next step, but as I continue researching, I wanted to let you know of a kick-ass therapy, Dialectical Behavioral Therapy, developed here in Rain City (Seattle) that is very similar in many ways to what Matt (your coach) seems to do, and it's used for very severe disorders (including EDs, BPD) with extremely high success rates. It's systematized and takes a year commitment. Like Matt, it involves digging out the triggers, tons of homework, highly encouraged coaching calls between weekly therapist sessions so you don't let your brain re-groove into old habits between sessions, and it also includes (unlike Matt) obligatory once a week group skills classes--teaches core living skills that you practice together as a group. The goal of the therapy is "creating a life worth living" and they move you in that direction in a very systematic, brain-re-development-savvy way. At the high end, it costs $1,000/month. The low end here in Seattle is about half of that. I can get insurance coverage, too. People can go to Behavioral Tech to find practitioners--this is the main "official" training group that grew out of the UW professor's program.”

It looks interesting! Thanks, e, for sharing all your wonderful research! Please keep us posted!

One year ago today . . .

I just realized that it was exactly one year ago today that I first wrote about Laurel Mellin’s The Pathway (see point #4 in the post)! Thanks again to Yvonne who was the one who told me about it! See what you did?!

Don't live in fear of relapse!

Let’s talk about that “r” word we all seem to live in utter fear of: relapse.

I desperately want to take away some of your fear and a few misconceptions about relapse. I’ve gotten a lot of emails about it, and many people find this site while they’re out searching the web for info on how to avoid or crawl out of a relapse. Instead of writing each of you back individually, let’s discuss it right here out in the open.

What is relapse??

Relapse simply means you have encountered a new situation that is scary or uncomfortable for you. It means that you are suddenly out of your comfort zone. Perhaps you’re faced with change, loss, stress or worry, or maybe you’re feeling some regret over bad decisions, as just a few examples. Remember how thrown I was when we lost our roommate’s beloved little dog. I was a mess of overwhelming pain and confusion. This is exactly the environment that makes turning to our old coping mechanism of food so appealing, even if only subconsciously.

Relapse happens when you find yourself unable to cope well with your new circumstances AND you do NOT take conscious, dedicated action to work through it in a rational, realistic, and optimistic way.

Humans will always find themselves thrown out of their comfort zones, many times when we least expect it or are prepared to deal with it. That’s life. For everyone – not just us. The difference is that your healthy coping skills are not the deepest rooted or most automatic. Remember, you became bulimic because your coping skills were missing or a bit messed up (ie. you tended toward irrational interpretations of situations and your ability to deal with them). Rather than building healthy coping mechanisms, you learned that bulimia was incredibly calming and soothing – numbing you enough to deal with tough times and tough decisions. Even after recovery our coping skills after are still relatively new and relatively UNTESTED. So, don’t become horrified or paralyzed if trauma or sudden change comes knocking and you end up with your head in the fridge.

But, you shouldn’t take this to mean your recovery is doomed and that you should just give up and go back to your old ways. Even if you do succumb to binging or full blown bulimic behavior at first, it doesn’t not mean your recovery is doomed. What it does mean is that you must respond in an active, conscious way. You have to dig out all your old tools and maybe reach out for new tools or other help. Perhaps you thought you had bulimia so far behind you that you don’t even remember what your tools were. That alone can throw you into a depression and compel you to turn to food that much quicker. Now, you have your trauma to deal with PLUS your old bulimia and depression around that.

But, it doesn’t have to be that way or stay that way for long!

Look at how I handled the loss of my beloved little friend over the period of a very tough week and a half:

Stage 1: I was thrown for a loop when I learned of Simba’s death. I cried for 48 hours straight. I overate. I turned to the TV for distraction. I felt distraught and angry at everyone for a week.

Stage 2: I went into serious denial about what was going on. I told myself it’s just the natural grieving process, and all the pain and confusion and anger would surely end on its own very soon. I told myself that my coping skills had grown strong enough since recovery that everything will be just fine if I just ignored it all. I tried to deny my emotions and go to work and be strong and just push through it.

Stage 3: I consciously accepted that I wasn’t dealing well with my loss. My misery and anger were not going to abate in a healthy way on their own. I consciously accepted that to get well, I had to take action, although I didn’t immediately know what action to take.

Stage 4: I finally made a commitment to dig out my old tools, even though I didn’t want to. I finally accepted that this was something I couldn’t handle on my own – that my coping skills weren’t strong enough on their own – that I needed help. I chose to use coping.org and Laurel Mellin’s cycles to work through this.

Stage 5: I set aside time and space and MADE MYSELF DO IT. Even though I really wanted to watch TV and continue to hide from it all.

Stage 6: I started the cycle without much emotion – I think I had pushed it down pretty far over the previous week and a half. But, I kept at it, and by the end, I had successfully worked through my pain and confusion and felt amazing.

Stage 7: I have felt wonderful and empowered and unstoppable ever since.

You can easily see from my experience how food would look incredibly appealing in stages 1) through 3). Hell, you may even go back to active bulimia every day for these periods when you go through these tough times. But, it does not mean your recovery is trashed. It means that you have to ACTIVELY TURN TO YOUR TOOLS FOR HELP IN COPING.

If you continue to deny your needs and what actions you need to take to help yourself, you will continue to be stuck in relapse until you finally take responsibility and take action.

Think about this though: if we never got thrown out of our comfort zone, how fun or interesting or even pleasant would that be?? Think about where you were 10, 5, or just 2 years ago. Would you really still want to be in those circumstances? Going to college was very scary, but do I wish I hadn’t gone and just stayed in my tiny little depressed upstate NY hometown? Hell no! Taking challenging new jobs is very scary and uncomfortable. Do I wish I had stayed in my former jobs doing the same old things for the same old low pay? No way! Quitting bulimia was uncomfortable, but would I still want to be there? Hell no!

Deepak Chopra is always tellin us to embrace uncertainty because that is how we grow and fully experience life and all it’s challenges and excitement and wonder. He calls it the Wisdom of Insecurity and the Wisdom of Uncertainty. You should definitely go back and read that old post.

And, please remember to be compassionate with yourself. You’re only struggling with relapse because you’re scared and uncomfortable. Acknowledge that and be tender with yourself about it.

This is the perfect place to plug Laurel Mellin’s stuff because her approach (her whole career) is based on the fact that people tend to have a hard time balancing nurturing (the urge to soothe ourselves to excess with food when we’re under stress) and limits (the discipline to remain rational and reasonable about our situations and what we need to do – even when we don’t want to or are afraid). And, while I recovered using various tools my coach taught me (you can find them scattered throughout the older posts in the **Exercises for Recovery** section), my favorite tool so far is the Laurel Mellin cycle. They bring me down into some fierce emotion and my deepest subconscious beliefs where I can look at them rationally and objectively. And, then they bring me right back up to feeling calm and peaceful, as well as optimistic, proud of myself, and excited about how I’m actively changing my mood and my future. They’re quick and very powerful.

My friend, e, is actually thinking about enrolling in some coaching with Laurel or someone trained in Laurel’s approach. E asked me my opinion, and while I hadn’t thought about it before, I now think it’s fabulous! I know this approach works (I’ve successfully used it on myself with no formal training), and it’s quite a bit cheaper than working with my coach and perhaps other coaches out there. I’m really proud of e for reaching out to see what types of non-traditional help are available, and I want to say, on the record, that I think Laurel’s approach should be on your radar, too, if you’re considering getting professional help. I’m in no way affiliated with Laurel, but I think I should make contact someday considering what a big fan I am.

Let’s recap on some scary but crappy beliefs about relapses:

MYTH #1: Relapse means you have to start from scratch in your recovery.

TRUTH: Relapse does NOT mean all the good work you’ve done is trashed!! It means you are faced with a new uncomfortable situation, and your subconscious mind is automatically seeking comfort via its old reliable standard: food and purging. You will need to dig out some tools to help you work up some courage and some different, more optimistic ways of interpreting your circumstances. Optimism will nurture your creativity which is your best solution to dealing with any new situation. This is a great reason for you to NOT count the days you remain “abstinent” from purging.

MYTH #2: Once you relapse, it’s a long fight back.

TRUTH: this myth is very dangerous because it can lead to feelings of depression and hopelessness. In reality, you could relapse only once and get right back on your feet. The “essential pain” (in Laurel Mellin-speak) is that you do need to take some kind of action to figure out why you are struggling emotionally and what you can DO to cope in an optimistic and courageous way with your situation.

MYTH #3: Relapse means you need to focus harder on your eating patterns.

TRUTH: Relapse is not about food unless you're restricting too much and your body is revolting. More often than not, relapse is about fear and upset. Focusing your attention and efforts on food is not going to solve the problem. You have to focus on the REAL problem: your emotions, your needs, and how to cope with your circumstances.

MYTH #4: A relapse can come out of nowhere.

TRUTH: Anytime you are faced with change, loss, heightened stress, or frightening emotions like regret, you need to be on the lookout for any urge to turn to food (good post from May 2006). You can learn to head off any sneaky cravings by proactively using your tools. Don’t assume you’ll be able to handle turbulent times without effort. You might be just fine. But, maybe you’ll need to be extra aware and conscious and bring out your tools. Even if you can slog through it, your tools can only make it easier. Use my experiences between July 27, 2007 and August 7, 2007 to remind you: I got cocky and I got knocked flat. It only took me a couple of hours of really working my favorite tool to end 11 days of pain and confusion and anger.

MYTH #5: You should live in mortal fear of relapse.

TRUTH: Relapse means things are changing or you have a challenge. Both change and challenge bring opportunities and potentially wonderful outcomes, even though it can feel horrible when you’re in the midst of them. Every time you successfully deal with change and upset, you get stronger and braver and your mind gets exercise in working through stress more automatically with optimism, creativity, and courage. Relapses are opportunities for great leaps in growth and for ridding yourself of heavy, old emotional garbage and deeply held irrational subconscious beliefs. Relapses can be very short lived depending on how quickly you choose to actively and consciously work your tools and/or reach out for help. Living in fear of relapse, like living in fear of ANYTHING, sucks all your energy and keeps you in a bubble. Stop fearing and start living!

What other powerful but not necessarily true beliefs do you have about relapse? How can I help you to face them and take away their power?

New Fighters in "Fellow Fighters" section

I FINALLY added some fellow bloggers that were really overdue for getting links on this blog. I don’t know how I could have NOT linked to PTC! I’ve been reading her for well over a year and LOVE her.

And, I’m finally getting caught up a bit on reading everyone’s blogs. I’m amazed at how much good work some of you are doing with therapists and on your own. I may have to revisit my old bad opinions about therapists as a whole. I can see how much many of you are growing from working with them.

I also can’t believe how many NEW blogs there are out there! I would need a whole week to check them all out and get to know the writers. I’ll try.

One last thing I've found: people are visiting and getting to know each other OFFline! That's absolutely amazing to see the real friendships and companionships that are blossoming from our blogs! It's beautiful.

If you would like a link on my blog, just send me an email or leave a note. I will only link to people who are ACTIVELY working to recover -either with a professional or by themselves. If you’re not taking any action to get better, I can’t with good faith link to you here. I support risk-taking, learning, growing, ACTION. Trying and failing miserably is good, too, as long as you keep picking yourself back up and trying again or trying something new.

Yesterday was my 2 year anniversary with Todd!

It was a fun night – very “Malibu.”

After work I went right back out to Malibu where Todd is staying in his friends’ rented beach house for 5 weeks and where I go on weekends. We took the dogs (our 3, plus 1 belonging to another guy in the house) for their evening walk on the beach. Two houses away from our beach house is Dick Clark and his wife’s home. Todd is very friendly with them since they’re also dog lovers: they have a Weimaraner just like Todd’s and two pugs. Mrs. Clark saw us and came out with treats for all the dogs and chatted a bit. She is the sweetest woman. Every Saturday, she brings her dogs and a big pot of coffee down to the beach, and her friends from up the beach come by to enjoy the morning together and greet any other passersby. Todd has gotten to know many other neighbors at these little gatherings.

After the walk and doggie-dinner, we had margaritas in the hot tub and then went for a wonderful sushi dinner at Nobu, Malibu, where the “stars” often hang out. It’s not that Nobu is the most amazing restaurant in the world (although it’s very good), it’s honestly that there aren’t that many good restaurants in Malibu! It’s really quite puzzling . . .

We got seated just a couple tables away from James Van Der Beek and his wife Heather McComb. James is a client of one of the guys in the Malibu house, so they’ve been to the parties and have hung out with us over drinks at the house. Heather continues to impress me with how sincerely sweet and down to earth she is, particularly since she's so beautiful and so successful in Hollywood. When she saw us walk into Nobu, she jumped up and gave us each the tightest squeeze and said I looked beautiful. And, later, they sent a bottle of Sapporo over to our table in honor of our anniversary. That made the evening even more special to have others recognize and celebrate our milestone.

SO, on to year #3 together! Whatever the future brings for us, I will always treasure this time when he and I are so happy together. I will consciously & actively enjoy and be grateful for each happy day we have, no matter what happens later.

Great tool: focus on the opposite of your initial uncomfortable thought

Today I've been feeling really good since last night's cycle. This is the best I've felt in a while. I even tried a new tool to keep the good feeling going. My friend, Bridget, told me yesterday about Byron Katie's approach for dealing with stress and discomfort. And, after reading just that one linked page, I actually had a big success using it this morning.

A guy came into my office this morning right when I was in the middle of something that I really wanted to get done. My first, automatic response was to tighten up with stress and frustration because I REALLY didn't want to talk with him right then, and I know he likes to ramble. Bad combination and bad timing.

But, I didn't WANT to feel that way. I had been having too good of a morning to lose it now. So, I remembered Katie's theory that you can beat stress quickly by simply turning it around and exploring the opposite of your original thought.

So, I turned my automatic thought, "God, I really don't want to deal with this guy right now!" into an opposite, "this guy knows something really important that I need to know." I immediately felt the stress loosening its grip on me because I realized that I wasn't going to learn anything from finishing my reports at that moment, but I could learn something important by focusing on and listening to my visitor.

And, I really DID learn something new! And, I realized how I could put his questions and concerns into a positive situation for myself, for him, and for my whole department. I took his concerns, used my creativity (which only flourishes in an optimistic and calm mindset), and I took some initiative. No one noticed that my reports were 15 minutes late. But, they sure noticed the good ideas and recommendations I put together after this little impromptu and initally unwanted meeting.

Thanks, Bridget! I'm going to work to make this great tool a habit.

Cycle on loss

I did a cycle tonight on my inability to cope with loss. Remember cycles? It’s been awhile. For people unfamiliar with Laurel Mellin, she basically teaches people how to balance self-discipline with self-nurturing. I think this works really well for bulimics because we tend to swing wildly between over-discipline and over-nurturing (over the top indulgence to soothe ourselves).

You can check out my old ones below, in chronological order.

I used Laurel Mellin's stuff today! (9/3/06)

Getting unstuck - what do I really want? (9/17/06)

Major cycle on my "value" and worthiness for healthy meals (9/19/06)

Cycle on people being mad at me or hating me (10/2/06)

Cycle on hopelessness (10/17/06)

I had begun going through coping.org’s section on Handling Loss, and although it was sad, I wasn’t learning anything new. I kept thinking that I DO know how to cope with loss – there must be something else, something deeper that is tripping me up right now. So, I pulled out my old cycle template, and just began to write. It’s amazing how the cycle started in one place and ended up in another. I had no idea that the reason I was so afraid of loss was that I had seen how just one significant loss completely trashed my parents’ lives. Of COURSE I became the master of loss avoidance! It seems so clear now, but I couldn’t have learned that without going through the cycle and just letting the emotion and the thoughts come out freely with no judgment and no censoring.

I’m posting the cycle in full here. My most sincere wish is that you begin to see the incredible power in them and that you one day decide to try it for yourself. Although I would VERY strongly suggest you read Laurel’s book in full before you try it. My first time, I jumped into it without finishing the book, and I ended up with my head in the fridge in a complete emotional wreck.

Here goes:

Thinking Journal: I’ve had a lot of loss in my life. Not really more than a lot of other people. But, a lot of loss very early when I shouldn’t have had to deal with it. And, even if I had to deal with it, it would have been nice if I had a role model for dealing well with loss. Or, maybe if someone could have actively helped me deal with it. Or, maybe if I saw someone actually DEAL with their loss rather than deny it or hide their pain or whatever emotions they had. My mom dealt with the loss of her marriage by drinking and by dropping out. She coped with cigarettes and sleep. My dad dealt with the loss of his marriage and his children by getting really, really angry. And mean. No one thought to help the children deal with the loss of a safe and quiet and peaceful home. No one helped the children deal with sudden loss of security: financial, emotional security and a consistent home. I never had a role model. I never learned how to cope with loss. I lost friends and pets, and I’m sure I cried. I remember my mom hugging me. But, I don’t remember ever talking about it. Have I been just pretending all along to deal with all this loss??

Which makes me sad . . . because I just don’t know if I actually dealt with any of it at all. I feel confused and worried and so damn sad. I have been crying and weepy for over a week for the tiniest little reasons. And, I don’t know what I need or how to make it better.

Which makes me scared . . . I’m scared that I’ve just been stuffing down my grief. How am I to know? I don’t know. But, I don’t think I’m just crying over that little dog anymore. I’m getting really freaked out. I’m scared that I know now how much fear of loss has really affected my decision making.

Which makes me sad . . . how could I have experienced all those losses and no one taught me how to deal with them?

I’m feel angry . . . I don’t feel angry.

I feel guilty . . . I don’t feel guilty.

Are my expectations reasonable? As a child, my expectations were that people just shrugged off painful losses. I also expected that significant loss will severely affect a person for the rest of their lives. Once you have a really severe loss, you’re life is probably going to go down the tubes. If you lose your marriage and partner, you’re going to become helpless and paralyzed and impoverished or you’re going to be so consumed with anger that your health, work, and later relationships pale in importance to that rage. I never fucking saw anybody DEAL. I just saw everyone completely crumble for the rest of their lives.

And that makes me angry . . . what the fuck was their problem?! Couldn’t they see that life is not supposed to be like that? Couldn’t they see that even though they lost something really important, there was still so much of really high value in life that was just slipping away?? How could they just let it all slip away and not do anything about it? Didn’t they value their children at all? Their happiness? Their security and safety in the world? How could they not realize how their inability to cope was teaching their kids some really bad fucking lessons about life? Why couldn’t they just get the fuck over it already?

Which makes me sad . . . that the failure of their marriage really did completely wreck them for life. My father recovered for a bit after my mom died. I guess he felt like a huge burden was lifted. I remember that he lost weight and he became much nicer. We ended up having a really nice relationship for 2 or 3 years. But, then something snapped in him again. I’ve recently begun to believe maybe he saw some of my mom’s old traits in me. After watching him so consumed with hatred toward her all my life, it’s not a stretch to see him feeling negative emotion toward me.

Now I feel guilty . . . I feel guilty that I never saw all this before. I feel guilty that I never comprehended just how derailing the failure of their marriage was. I feel guilty because I was very excited for them to divorce, because that meant no more screaming fights. But, I never thought for a moment that they might actually be sad about the divorce. I was very happy about it; surely they were too? I feel guilty that it never occurred to me that their life plan for a lifetime of happy marriage and family had so completely unraveled.

Which makes me sad . . . because once again, I’m angry with myself for not treating my mom better during our short time together and not seeing how sad she must have been. But I didn’t know how to reach out to my mother. More and more I understand there was nothing I could do to help her. People have to decide to get help and to learn how to cope all on their own. A child can never help her parents, how can a child have any skills to teach their parents? Children just learn all their parents’ dysfunctions. Then, they have to relearn later. My mom died when I was just 22. I’m just learning now how to live well now in my 30s. I didn’t have enough time.

Are my expectations reasonable? Yes, as a child I learned that a big loss can mess you up for life so you had better be very careful. Of course I learned to be terrified of death and divorce and having people get really mad at you.

What is a reasonable expectation now? A reasonable expectation is that I can do what my parents, sadly, never did: reach out and learn how to lose. I can learn. I can get help. I can learn to have even significant, heart-breaking, soul wrecking losses and go on to be happy and even joyful in time. I will not allow a big loss to wreck me or my life. I won’t allow it. I will go on to thrive and be happy and UNAFRAID no matter what happens. Loss is a part of life. It does NOT have to wreck a life.

What is the essential pain? The essential pain is that my parents’ lives were ruined by the inability to cope in a healthy way with a major loss. The essential pain is that I, too, probably have not dealt fully with all of my own losses in life. The essential pain is that my fear of loss and the subsequent effects have led me to make bad decisions – decisions that may have kept me safe from the risk of loss but that have keep me alone and isolated. And afraid. I may have lost out on a lot because of this fear and these irrational beliefs.

What is the earned reward? The earned reward is that I won’t have to be so afraid of losing in my life. The earned reward is that I can open my heart wider and to more people and things and experiences. I can love more and let down my guard more. I can handle the inevitable losses that we all face, plus perhaps some really unexpected and shocking losses, and never have to worry about ending up like my parents. I can make more decisions from my heart and not my fearful, irrational head. I can experience so much more of life than I ever dared to before.

Then, I stay on a roll with the good feelings:

I feel grateful . . . that I found Laurel Mellin’s stuff on cycles. I feel so grateful that I have all of you to motivate me to get better every day so that I can help you to get better every day. I feel so grateful that Todd is at the beach right now so I can wail and cry and yell all I want tonight. I feel grateful that I am going to work through this and be free of even more fear that I didn’t even know I was harboring so deeply. I am so thankful that I’m going to be free.

I feel happy . . . I feel happy that, even though I’m still bawling, I know that I’m on my way. I feel happy that I didn’t wait another day before I sat down and worked this cycle. I feel happy that I’ve finally got this all out in the open, where I can now debate and work with my fear of loss in a conscious, rational way. I feel happy that I’ve proven to myself that I will NEVER LET A LOSS DERAIL MY LIFE. AND, I NO LONGER HAVE TO BE AFRAID TO LOSE.

I feel secure . . . that I’m on my way to conquering this fear and finally learning how to cope in a healthy way with loss. I feel secure that everything is going to be just fine.

I feel proud . . . I feel proud that I decided to push myself to sit down and do this cycle, even though it would have been much easier to just turn the TV on, or even to reply to some blog emails. I feel proud I chose the most important activity this evening. I feel proud that I am a very capable and creative and spiritually growing individual – I am strong and getting stronger every day. I feel proud that I am creating a wonderful life with lots of love and courage and daring. I feel proud that I’m smiling and calm right now. Even though it’s been awhile, I did this cycle just right!

New resource for you (and me) to try

My dear friend, Bridget, emailed me today about a great book she's reading: Loving What is by Byron Katie.

The author seems really focused on acceptance and allowing as tools for coping as well as experimenting with the opposite of your initial assumptions and interpretations of things. Sounds right up my alley.

Tonight I plan to check out Byron's site and her approach as part of my research into "learning to lose" along with coping.org's Tools for Handling Loss toolbox. I'll report back tomorrow.

Does anyone else have suggestions for me on my quest to learn how to lose? Any books or sites or personal wisdom? I could really use it.

On learning to lose

I have no idea how to deal in an emotionally healthy way with loss.

I realized this over the past couple of days from my experience in “coping” with the death of my roommate’s dog, whom I loved very, very much, just over a week ago.

I had an unusually large of number of losses very early in my life, and that has always affected my decision-making. I know that and have always respected it. I HATE losing things and people (who doesn’t?). But, I just realized the extent to which I avoid opening my heart to new things and people because of this deep-rooted fear. It’s more than a fear – it’s an expectation. I have come to EXPECT that everything I love will be taken away from me at some point. So, in response, I keep the number of things and people that I love to a bare minimum.

You might say that I lost my father at age 4 when my parents divorced, and that really affected me. I’m sure it did to some extent, although I remember very clearly feeling wonderfully relieved that my father was moving out. He abused my mother (granted – she didn’t treat him so great either), and I was frightened of him.

But, I had other unusual losses: I lost 5 best friends to tragedy and family moves between the time I was in nursery school and 3^rd grade. And, we lost many beloved pets. I won’t go into details, although I remember each one and the love I had for each one: friend and pet. My mom clearly wasn’t the most emotionally healthy person in the world – it’s not a stretch to think that I never had any good instruction on handling loss. I probably picked up many of her bad responses to loss: paralysis and seeking numbing in any form.

My mother died when I was 22. My grandfather (who helped raised me like he was my father) died when I was 25 or so (granted, he was 88 when he went). Then, my sister died when I was 33.

I’m aware of some ways that this fear of loss affects my choices in life, and I think some of these ways are smart. I keep my material belongings to a bare minimum. I don’t like owning things because, like I said, they’re bound to be stolen or somehow wrecked. When I picked up and moved out to California 4.5 years ago, I was so proud of myself at how little I had to leave behind and lose. Everything else (except for my bike, which I shipped out) fit in my car and went with me. My fear of loss gave me the freedom to just pick up and go when I really wanted to. I still enjoy the knowledge I could still just pick up and go anytime, without much hassle or loss.

I also have no true best girlfriends. I have many girl friends, but none that I trust with much intimacy, and none who therefore trust me with much intimacy. I wouldn’t mourn much if any moved away or if I didn’t talk with any of them for years. On a superficial level, I think that’s a good, smart idea. Girlfriends move away, they get married, they have children. At some point, you lose priority in their lives. But, I suppose now that this is not the choice of my heart – it’s the choice of my fearful head. Maybe I could really enjoy a close relationship with another woman. This seems very remote to me now as my head is even now coming up with a whole list of reasons why I don’t need such friendships or that they’re actually a liability, but I’m going to have to explore it a bit more. My roommate has wonderful close relationships with many girlfriends. Our home has been filled with them since she lost her dog. Michelle hasn’t been alone for a moment in the last week (even over night), except for that first day when she couldn’t even get out of bed. I have generally preferred to mourn alone.

Lulu left a comment just today that I too quickly shut down my father when he reached out to me earlier this year. I feel very sure and comfortable that we are not meant to be a family. But, her comment is true: after so many years of on/off relationship with him, why would I open myself up again? He’s SURE to get angry with me and cut me off again. Even if he has changed (which he hasn’t), I probably wouldn’t reengage with him for the simple FEAR of losing him again, with all the subsequent confusion, pain, regret, anger, helplessness, etc. It’s much safer (much SMARTER, my head would tell me), to just stay away.

This week I’ve become increasingly aware of how this fear might be severely adversely affecting me. I have always kept up a bit of a wall with my boyfriends, which was fine for most of my life since I wasn’t in the healthiest of relationships prior to recovery. But, now it’s a problem. Todd & I had a fight a month or so ago, and my first automatic reaction was to just say, “fine, if you want to break up with me, just do it.” That completely shocked and scared Todd because breaking up was the last thing on his mind. But, it seemed to me the easiest response to the conflict – protect myself and run away. It’s funny, I got a comment from Lulu today telling me that she thinks I avoid conflict to my own detriment. I guess I do because conflict is very often a precursor to loss. If I run away and leave the situation, I retain control over the situation. If *I* make the choice to run away, I can avoid many of the awful symptoms of loss: powerlessness, helplessness, hopelessness.

Perhaps this is where my tendency to rage comes in. Anger helps protect me from other symptoms of loss: sadness, mourning, and regret. If I interpret a situation as untenable, that I had no other choice, it can never be my fault, can it?

Very interesting.

I have realized that, somehow, against my better judgment and all my careful planning and avoiding, I have made some BAD choices that have left me wide open to experiencing the worst kinds of loss: I adopted a dog that I love with all my heart, and I have fallen in love with a man who I want to be with for the rest of my life. Boy, those are some really bad choices for someone so frightened of loss. My roommate’s dog wasn’t even mine, but I see how much I opened my heart to him and got attached to having him in my life. Another really bad move.

I have eschewed dependency, but by loving so strongly, I AM now dependent on my dog and my boyfriend (and his dogs, too). That realization (even though it’s been only half conscious up until this blog posting) has shocked me and scared me witless.

God, I hate loss. But, I still have put myself in the position of facing some gut-wrenching, soul wrecking losses someday. It’s too late to run away. I’m in for the duration of the ride. I have no choice now but to figure out how to cope in a healthy way. I WILL lose again. We ALL will lose again. If the queen-master of loss-avoidance can’t seem to avoid it, you won’t be able to either. So, here is my next big challenge: to learn how to lose without losing my mind or soul.

And, perhaps, by learning to accept and cope with loss as being an unavoidable part of a full, fulfilling, and joyful life, I will learn how to live even more. I will be able to open my heart wider and to more people and things. I will open myself to even more love and joy. Let the work begin.

A tragedy

In the face of tragedy, a good mantra:

"Grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference."

And, let go . . .

Back from Ithaca, NY

The wedding turned out to be really nice! It rained our first night there (Thursday), but the weather just got better and better as the weekend went on. Below are just a few photos to show you the beautiful day and the beautiful setting.

I showed Todd my tiny little hometown and the house I grew up in (it sure looked a lot better than I remembered it!). And, we did a good tour of Cornell, where I went to college. We ate a lot of ice cream cuz it's cow & dairy country there. And, we drank a good amount of wine, too, cuz, believe it or not, the fingerlakes region of NY is pretty good wine country. I think the Rieslings are the best, but the whites in general are better than the reds.

It was fun seeing my best old friends, but boy, are we all so different now! The two who had kids since I last saw them were never big dancers, but they liked to occasionally get a little silly. This weekend, they still enjoyed good conversation, but that's it - no dancing, no singing, no being silly. That made me a little sad as the bride would have really enjoyed having them up and dancing with the rest of us. Oh well. The photographer got a couple WILD shots of Todd and me dancing. Hopefully, the bride will send us copies someday.

Here is my baby in front of an OLD building of some kind. I never did find out what it was or its history.

This is a view of the back of the inn and the tent where the reception was held.

This is us on the deck of the inn just before the reception. Look at the sky!